Summer – Jasper Kerkau

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Summer is a destructive force. The dank humidity leaves me brooding and exhausted; Houston is unforgiving. The cement, cars, and teaming masses, coupled with my incessant ambition, leaves a trail of sweat, puts me in dark rooms, huddled by the throbbing sound of fans, hiding from the relentless assault of the merciless sun. I dreamt last night of the snow from a failed conquest in Northern Virginia years ago; the result was the same, hiding, smothered, seeking refuge from icy February that left me longing for the comfort of home, the soft Houston late-winter. The result is the same; I spend my life hiding from the world, looking for artificially, temperature-controlled spaces. In the end, I spend all my time hiding from everything. Loud people with abrupt personalities. Shiny, bright sorts with abrasive opinions and sharp condemnation. The truth is that I am a coward. None of it is for me. I am given over to fits of intuitive paranoia, deep sympathies for the outcasts, feeling the deep burden of guilt for failures, lost in a world of vapid people with sharp agendas packed away in pockets and purses. The summer is unbearable. The disappointment is too much to bear. There is never a point which I feel at peace with the universe. It is all slipping away, as I clutch my confused life with sweaty hands, secretly afraid of skin cancer and the world getting hotter by the day. I am one of the ones who ache in rooms with small talk about politics, puffed up bravado about personal exploits. I just want to sit in silence and breathe, feel the love and positive energy at the core of it all that is often so elusive. The heat will devour me. I will lose myself in August, burn and sweat out pounds. There is no escape. The world and all the magic it possesses is fleeting. For the time being, I sit and wait for this all to pass. Eventually, this summer will end, the superficial people will go away. I will be able to soak in the beauty of the life. Find happiness not tarnished by all the disappointment in the world. Everything will be okay. I just need to get through all of this heat. The world is a beautiful place. I just need to sit and ponder the future.

Jasper Kerkau is co-creator, writer/editor for Sudden Denouement.

Suddendenouement.com

 

Author: jasperkerkauwriting

I am trying to write myself out of the darkness.

23 thoughts on “Summer – Jasper Kerkau”

  1. Lovely post. I really like the opening sentence ‘summer is a destructive force’ and the really thoughtful and retrospective narrative register you are using. Plus I really agree with it, I find summer destructive, unbearable and lovely all at the same time.

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  2. Strikingly honest and sad. I’m also secretly afraid of skin cancer and the world getting hotter, anyone who isnt is, unfortunately, a fool. ❤

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  3. I am sure it is too much wine talking at the end of a long day of facing my fears and trying to get past them, but your words ring true on so may levels. They make me cringe in recognition, cry in understanding, and wish for connection that may, or may not be. I thank thee, I thank thee, I thank thee…

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  4. Jasper this was a beautifully introspective piece. I loved it! I have a hard time thinking about much in this heat (living in the same town as you) except for the 3 lbs. of water weight I loose on a 10 min smoke break! Thank you for sharing your soul.

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  5. So I think this pretty much nailed our hidden little zeitgeist. There’s gotta be beauty, we’ve read and heard so much about it and apparently everyone knew it at some point, 50yrs ago. And now it’s gone again and there is no comfort or peace or quiet solitude till it’s found. Just lots of anxious grasping.

    Btw, Jasper, you’re kind of the savior round here. Life had a hole, and then SD fucked me.

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