I Die in the Water – Jasper Kerkau

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I died again. In the waters as usual. It is always the water. Somehow it all makes sense. It is always the minor things. The minutia that pulls me under. The little, wet idiosyncrasies, stuffed words, distant miscommunication. I die over and over again. Each time, I emerge from the waters, gasping for air. Shedding my wet skin, warming myself by imaginary fires. There is always a new life, new thoughts springing forth from moist soil. But, the disappointment is daunting. The little, sad failures leave me paralyzed in bed, stomaching churning, limbs seized. I stand in the grocery store, gazing at nothing, avoiding mediocre conversations with a neighbor about apple trees. There is a scream boiling up inside me. A smile creeps across my face and I nod, backing away slowly. There is nothing I understand about their world. My days are secret disasters giving birth to revelations, new lives excreted through the pores of despair. I am not normal. I can’t swim with the happy people. The little conversations are lost on me. I stare blankly at the triviality of their little pleasures. I live with death. I am pulled out of swimming pools, electrocuted by hair dryers in bath tubs. I dig holes and send out esoteric messages to tortured souls. Life comes from ascending, stretching and evolving in the darkness. I find God in broken people. There are others, as wet as I am. Brought back from the brink. Eating the water of life. Dying on the bread of the masses. I died again, but I find new life. Touch the beauty of the universe, I carry a beautiful song in my heart. It is all very sad. The cycle of death is annoying. Next time I will be normal. I will dive into a big smile which will release me of my burdens. Everything will be alright. Even in death, everything will be alright. Today I live. Today, I dry off and live a secret life.

[Jasper Kerkau is co-creator of Sudden Denouement, as well as Jasper Kerkau Writing.]

Author: jasperkerkauwriting

I am trying to write myself out of the darkness.

35 thoughts on “I Die in the Water – Jasper Kerkau”

  1. It’s hard, but I feel like thinking I’m so different and unrelatable to people around me only leads to more paralyzed, wasted years. You have a calling to bring out what you can’t initially see in a person, these “new lives excreted through the pores of despair.” Everyone is broken in some way.

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  2. Spiritual wisdom has always been the province of those suffering. The majority of people cling to labels like commercial products. The culture of Christianity is one of senseless mimesis and the sustaining of names tied with bad ideas.

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  3. I was drawn to this out of a fear of drowning; the nightmares of my youth; since writing (well my take on it), and reading such as this, I’ve come to realise that the fear more real, to drown in unexpressed emotion.

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  4. This piece chased me down. I exploded out of my consciousness. Most of the time I am unsure of a work, and, at times, it is a struggle to find the right words. This was a piece that demanded to be written, immediately. The best pieces are the easiest. Thank you for your kind words.

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  5. I rarely dream at night, I think it must be an age thing; but when I do it always relates to not being able to get back to where I need to be; perhaps it means I should be somewhere else? As for my days, a constant dream, writing as many hours as I can; or can get away with! Eric.

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