Spiral of Desire – Jasper Kerkau
Our teeth clash as we push through each other, interlaced fingers, hearts beating in unison. Spiraling into a desperate battle to push back the throbbing loneliness, long car rides—alone in the world, we each struggle to overcome the sadness of the solitude of years wasted in fear, agoraphobic nightmares; the naked world has to be kept in musty closets. It is just easier to be alone, easier than bearing the cross of soul-defiling disappointment, hands trembling, skin contracting with the pounds that vanished under the weight of shattered love.
We fumbled with clothes, diving into sheets, giggling at the awkwardness of it all, secretly dreading the disappointment that is surely right around the corner, the paranoia, the conversations with self in bathroom, standing in front of door, gaining the courage to face the world again: “Everything is going to be alright; I have done this before…this pain is nothing new.” There is a shadow in the corner, peering at me, sneering, years of disillusionment, missed connections, things started that could never be finished, the lump in the throat, the seething that drives fearful souls back into the world of words—“next time it will be different.”
Her fragrance burns my soul, sweet sulfur, an ephemeral elixir that will both liberate and destroy me. “Give me a second,” embracing her, touching my hand to hers, kissing her softly, embracing the moment, knowing that we are both broken, incapable of burying ourselves in the lives of another. The explosion of desire is easy, it is the layers of life that we attempt to place on top of each other that makes us more vulnerable—a new organism much more likely to implode and cannibalize itself, leaving lost souls to sit in rooms, scattered and withdrawn. We find a common place, a desire that may, for a moment, drive back the dark forces of solitude that are forever on the march, forever looking to conquer another vanquished soul.
nov. 14 2016